Dear Assholes

I believe in manners.  I’m not talking over-the-top etiquette, rather just common sense everyday good manners.  However, I’ve come to notice over the last few years that it seems the general population doesn’t agree with what I think of as common courtesies.  It’s disappointing to say the least.

What’s more disappointing is that my sense of propriety holds me back from telling these rude rule-breakers how I feel.  I would never let someone walk all over me, and I hope you wouldn’t either.  But my sense of politeness makes me refrain from telling a stranger who has pushed my buttons where he can shove it.  I’m pretty positive that I’ll never sink to the level of

blurting out snotty comebacks to would-be assholes, but that doesn’t make me any less brave or forward than the asshole who provoked me.  It makes me polite.  It makes me well-mannered.  Maybe one day manners will come back into fashion.  Until then, I’ll make one brief exception to the etiquette rules.  So here is my anti-love letter to some of the assholes I’ve had the displeasure to come across lately.

To the elderly asshole at Starbucks who kept poking fun of my winter coat and scarf when it was “merely” 36 degrees;  We get it, you think I’m overdressed.  It was not particularly funny to poke fun at a perfect stranger the first time you made your snide joke.  It’s definitely not funny the fifth time.  I heard you, I’m just not laughing.

To the haughty asshole at my neighbors’ party; asking if my puppy is friendly, getting an affirmative response and then saying, “Well he better be, otherwise you’d have to shoot him,” is not funny.  Since when is it normal to reference killing a stranger’s pet?

To the wife/girlfriend/betch of previously referenced haughty asshole; You are drunk. You ran into said puppy as you turned the corner.  Said puppy sniffed your (cheap) shoes while wagging his tail calmly on leash.  When his owner (moi) assures you it’s alright that you stepped on him and that he’s happy to say hello since he is such a sweet pup, it is inappropriate (and asshole-rific) to shout, “he doesn’t look it!”  Neither do you, but you don’t hear me shouting about it.

To the family member who decided to show up late for Thanksgiving dinner then not even thank us for the meal; your invitation to next year’s festivities may or may not get lost in the mail.

To my nosy next door neighbor who barges in without knocking; it’s not normal.  In normal society, people knock before entering.  Should you knock and we don’t answer, it is not your cue to enter.  I know that you’re excited to have young whipper snappers on the block, but give me some space, woman!

To the grumpy house guest; leaving your room covered in sandwich wrappers, soda cans and miscellaneous trash is so not cool.  neither is flying in at midnight to an airport 2 hours away.  We may or may not be on a “business trip” every time you come back into town.

To all of you assholes out there; grow up.  It’s not chic, or funny, or manly to be a prick.  I’m going to continue on being my polite non-confrontational self, and I am positive you are never going to change.  But that’s alright.  Because karma is a bigger bitch than you.  Just a word of advice, don’t mistake kindness for weakness.  Someday, you may need something from the people you chose disrespect, and I’m happy to say that the kind-hearted minority will find a way to turn you down, politely of course.

PS: Be nice whenever possible, it’s always possible.

PPS: I dislike being rude so intensely that I sat here debating using the word “asshole” for at least twenty minutes.  What a horrible word that is.  And yet similiarly to the f-bomb, nothing quite gets your point across like that particular word.  So alas, it stays.  No matter how uncomfortable I am with it. Forgive me!

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